DEAR DR. LOTES: Happy New Year! Did you make any New Year's resolutions? I promised myself that I would stop watching so much television and read a book. I am a big fan! Keep up the good work! If you would like to Instant Message me my screen name is- Lotesfan69. Thanks! -- FUTURE BOOK WORM.
DEAR FUTURE WORM: Happy New Year. In past years, all of my resolutions have gone unfulfilled. I have always looked at them as the first step towards a destructive path. While living with the Bushmen I became addicted to a wild nut, native to their country. I would eat it day and night and night and day. I made it my resolution to stop eating them. After being nut free for a week or so, I drank some ground wine with a buddy and went on a gluttonous nut eating frenzy. In my drunken stupor I selected a batch riddled with poison sumac. To this day my stomach lining still suffers from that folly.
As a rule of thumb I usually make a handful of resolutions and I shoot low. Here's what I decreed as the ball dropped:
DEAR FUTURE WORM: Happy New Year. In past years, all of my resolutions have gone unfulfilled. I have always looked at them as the first step towards a destructive path. While living with the Bushmen I became addicted to a wild nut, native to their country. I would eat it day and night and night and day. I made it my resolution to stop eating them. After being nut free for a week or so, I drank some ground wine with a buddy and went on a gluttonous nut eating frenzy. In my drunken stupor I selected a batch riddled with poison sumac. To this day my stomach lining still suffers from that folly.
As a rule of thumb I usually make a handful of resolutions and I shoot low. Here's what I decreed as the ball dropped:
1. Clip my toenails.
2. Write an angry letter to the creators of the TV show "Numbers". (I mean come on now! Who the hell are they kidding with that shit?)
3. Memorize my checking account number
4. Clean the massive grave of insects that has mysteriously accumulated in the windowsill in my office.
5. Catch up with season one of OZ, on demand. (It is one of those shows where you’re like, “It’s not that good, but it ain’t that bad.”)
I’m glad that you wish to better yourself. The first step to self realization is the development of the mind and, let me tell you, television melts it down. I myself watch it religiously, but I’ve spent lifetimes away from the western world's gadgetry. Recently, I purchased books on tape, which I listen to during naps, meditation, and while in the tanning bed. I wish I could tell you that your resolution will stick, but I can't. Most likely, like me, you will falter. I advise you buy an unlimited blockbuster pass and save yourself the disappointment of defeat.
2. Write an angry letter to the creators of the TV show "Numbers". (I mean come on now! Who the hell are they kidding with that shit?)
3. Memorize my checking account number
4. Clean the massive grave of insects that has mysteriously accumulated in the windowsill in my office.
5. Catch up with season one of OZ, on demand. (It is one of those shows where you’re like, “It’s not that good, but it ain’t that bad.”)
I’m glad that you wish to better yourself. The first step to self realization is the development of the mind and, let me tell you, television melts it down. I myself watch it religiously, but I’ve spent lifetimes away from the western world's gadgetry. Recently, I purchased books on tape, which I listen to during naps, meditation, and while in the tanning bed. I wish I could tell you that your resolution will stick, but I can't. Most likely, like me, you will falter. I advise you buy an unlimited blockbuster pass and save yourself the disappointment of defeat.
1 comment:
This one is my favorite, especially the resolutions about clipping your toenails and the insect graveyard. I too choose to aim low in life, and I think it's been working out fairly well...
Post a Comment